Paddy is walking down the street with his front door on his shoulder and he hears his wife shouting
“Paddy where the hell are you going with our front door”?
Paddy replies ” It’s ok honey, I lost my key so i’m going down town to get one cut”!
Wife shouts “How am i suppose to get in the house then”?
Paddy say’s “No worries i’ve left the window open for Ya.
More Jokes at Funny Sbear.
Long Funny Resignation Letter
Dear Mr. Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during our commission of duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to your employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” as it is explained to you for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.
You wander around the building all day, shiftlessly seeking fault in others. You have a sharp dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation; however, I have a few parting thoughts:
1.
When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation as I have consistently performed my duties and even more. The most you can say to hurt me is, “I prefer not to comment.” To keep you honest, I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2.
I have all the passwords to every account on the system and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I will publish your “Favorites,” which I conveniently saved when you made me “back up” your useless files. I do believe that terms like “Lolita” are not viewed favorably by the university administrations.
3.
When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your mother’s b-day,” you neglected to mention that you were going to take nude pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then, like the techno-moron you are, you forgot to erase them. Suffice it to say, I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle. I assure you that those photos are being kept in safe places pending your authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (And, for once, would you please try to use spellcheck? I hate correcting your mistakes.)
I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your twisted little repugnant obsessions will become public knowledge. Never f*ck with your systems administrator, Mr. Baker! They know what you do with all that free time!
Sincerely
David Blocker
Network Administrator
Click here for more Funny Resignation Letter.
Original source from here.
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, “Well Bill, Im really confused on this one. Its a tough decision; Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95 among other indiscretions. I believe Ill do something Ive never done before; Ill let you decide where you want to go.”Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, “Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?” Looking slightly puzzled, God said, “Better yet, why dont I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?”Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, “I think Ill try Hell f irst.” So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bills face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. “This is great,” he thought, “if this is Hell, I cant wait to see heaven.”Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.Time passed, and God decided to check on t he late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.”So, how is everything going?” God asked.Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! Its nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to the other place….with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?”That was the demo,” replied God.
Source from Onejokes
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken!
John and Helen met while on vacation, and John fell head over heels in love with her. But after a couple of weeks in which John took Helen out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc. He was convinced that it was true love.
And so….on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue. “It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut,” John said to his new found lady friend. “I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s going to be a problem, you’d better say so now!”
Helen took a deep breath and responded: “Since we’re being honest with each other, here goes …. You need to know that I’m a hooker.”
“I see,” John replied. “That’s a problem, for sure.”
He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.”
more Funny Stories on sport
Husband – hello dear, I am logged in.
Wife – have you bought the things I asked you to buy.
Husband – Bad command or file name.
Wife – but I told you about it in morning
Husband – erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife – My God! Almost forget it, where’s your salary.
Husband – file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife – at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband – sharing violation, access denied.
Wife – I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband – data type mismatch.
Wife – you are useless.
Husband – by default.
Wife – who was that with you in the car this morning?
Husband – system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife – what is the relation between you and your receptionist?
Husband – the only user with write permission.
Wife – what is my value in your life?
Husband – unknown virus detected.
Wife – do you love me or your computer?
Husband – Too many parameters..
Wife – I will go to my dad’s house.
Husband – program performed illegal operation, it will close.
Wife – I will leave you forever.
Husband – close all programs and log out for another user.
Wife – it is worthless talking to you.
Husband – shut down the computer.
Wife – I am going
Husband – It’s now safe to turn off your computer
more Funny Stories on Computer and IT
GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me…
GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring?
BOY: Sure, what’s your phone number?
GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don’t you ever want to improve?
BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn’t heavy.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly.What do you think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : “….And are you sure you love me and no one else?”
Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday”.
Teacher : “Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?”
Pupil : “The moon”.
Teacher : “Why?”
Pupil : “The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don’t need it”.
Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Pupil : “A teacher”.
MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, because you make me sick.
Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot!”
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.”
Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sam : “She’s a woman”..
Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance repeated”.
Teacher : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?”
Student : “Brotherly love”.
Teacher : “Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.
Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.
Waiter : “Would you like your coffee black?”
Customer : “What other colours do you have ?”
Teacher : ” George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him ?”
One Student: ” Because George still had the axe in is hand.”
Teacher : ” Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”
One Student : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time.”
more Funny Stories
======================誘導成功======================
阿強：「老婆，下周我要去紐約出差。」
阿玲：「我也要去。」
阿強：「不行啦！我的行程超滿的，會沒時間照顧你喔！何況三天後我就回來了。」
阿玲：「人家想要去嘛！」
阿強：「哎呦，不要為難我啦！你是要去做什麼呢？」
阿玲：「買衣服啊！」
阿強：「哇咧…買衣服的話，你可以去新光三越或SOGO呀！它們都超大的。」
阿玲：「就等你這句話嘛…」
======================真是欠扁======================
小桃：「你喝咖啡時都用左手還是用右手攪拌？」
小瑜：「我用右手！」
小桃：「哇！厲害！我都用湯匙，你不怕燙喔？」
小瑜：「………」
==========================夢話==========================
太太：「你最近睡覺常說夢話，而且都是在抱怨我耶！」
先生：「你確定那只是夢話嗎…？」
=================無關葉子的? 暋! D=================
太太早上找衣服穿，她套了一件久未穿的裙子，照著鏡子說：
哎呀！好像包粽子一樣耶？！」
在一旁的先生說：「那是餡兒的問題，跟包的葉子無關。」
==========================辣粉==========================
一個蠻會吃辣的先生，叫了一碗紅燒牛肉麵。
等了一會兒，麵終於來了，他看到桌上的調味罐寫著「辣粉」二字，於是
愛吃辣的他拼命的將它往裡倒，一口吃下後，簡直辣到難以下嚥！
於是他就去找老闆理論。客家腔的老闆也理直氣壯的說：
「我們這個要由右往左念，所以叫粉辣！都已經跟你說粉辣了，你還一直加！」
==========================賣炭==========================
書店裡，一位老先生問櫃台：「小姐，你們有沒有賣炭？」
「對不起，沒有。」小姐回答。
「可是上次我在這裡買過。」老先生不死心。
「對不起，我們這裡是書店，沒有賣炭。您要不要去雜貨店看看？」
後來老先生終於在雜誌區找到他要的東西，原來他要買的是「TIME」！
========================是怎樣=========================
有位小姐，開車開到一半的時候，車子突然在路中央熄火，怎麼發也發不動。
站在一旁的交通警察看了她好久，
看著紅燈變綠燈、綠燈變紅燈… 那位小姐還是停在路中央，動也不動。
於是交警忍不住走過去問 那個 小姐：「是怎樣？沒有妳喜歡的顏色嗎？」
==========================筆和尺==========================
有個小妹妹去雜貨店買東西…
小妹妹：「頭家，我要買筆和尺(台語)」
結果…老闆拿了隻「皮卡丘」給她 *_*
==========================高興就好========================
某日於台灣北部某部隊，有一位天兵在放了3天假後在莒光作文簿寫著：
上禮拜六，我放假，回家，我好高興。回到家裡看到老婆，我好高興。
後來，又看到我的小孩，叫爸爸，我好高興。
可是，時間過得好快，3天「ㄙㄨ」一下就過去，要收假，我好難過。
回到部隊，天氣好冷，我好難過。
不過，想到放了3天假，我還是很高興。
因為，再過10天又可以放假了，我好高興。
他的班長批閱完畢，不知道要寫什麼評語才是，只好寫了：「高興就好。」
========================血案兇手===========================
某甲看完報紙，不解的問某乙：這兩隻象真的有可能是兇手嗎？
某乙聽了往報紙一看，報紙的標題是：劉邦友血案，逮到一對象。
=========================只差你了===========================
全國最富的人請了全國最好的建築師來給自己建造陵墓。
三年之後，大富翁問建築師：「全部工程結束了嗎??」
「差不多了。」
「那還差什麼呢？」———–建築師答：「就只差你了！」
more Funny Jokes
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified; an American, a Russian, an Australian and an Indian.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know?’
Dave, the American, replied, ‘A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head.
There’s no warning that it’s on the way; it’s just there. A thought
is the fastest thing I know of.’
‘That’s very good!’ replied the interviewer.
‘And now you sir?’ he asked Vladimir , the Russian. ‘Hmm….
let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A
BLINK is the fastest thing I know.’ ‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer.. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular clich for speed.’
He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his
reply. Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.’
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light’ he said.
Turning to Patel, the Indian, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Patel replied, ‘Apter herring da preybyus ansers sir, et’s obyus to me dat the fastest thing is
Diarrhea!’
‘WHAT!?’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
‘You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the batrum, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had alreydi done it in my pants!
1. There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.
The Female pencil got pregnant !!
Which Male pencil is responsible?
THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.
2. Woman in bed with husband’s best friend,
phone rings! “YES”.. OK, BYE”.
She turns to her lover and says,
THAT’S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE’S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.
3. Three Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!
4. Three Guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi,…. I’m Peter, not a saint.
I’m Paul not a POPE.
I’m John not a Baptist…
The girl replied.. Hi.. I’m Mary, not a VIRGIN.
5. Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any time.
Mistresses are Tomyams..Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.
WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there’s nothing to eat.!!!
6. Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts
her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied: I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!
7. Yesterday’s News :- A nun jogging at Jogger’ Park
was raped by 4 guys.
Today’s News :- Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the park.
8. Why do Indians talk non stop?
Guess…. Still dunno? OK lah…..
Answer : Becoz they left their full stop on their
forehead.
TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : Maria!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, ‘School Ahead, Go Slow.’ ___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L’
TEACHER : No, that’s wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it’s H to O!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
MILLIE : I is…
TEACHER : No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE : All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.’
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?’
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good
cook.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as
your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it’s the same dog!
__________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher…