2. My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

3. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.

4. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

5. (Narrator’s voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

6. “Hi. Now you say something.”

7. “Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.” “Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?”

8. This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!

9. “Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”

10. “Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I’m stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.”

11. “Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”

12. “This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.”

13. “Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”

14. “Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.”

15. “If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.”

16. “You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.”

17. “You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.”

18. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

19. Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right…real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you…

“why are u digging?”

and his neighbour said

”my fish is dead”

and bob said

‘its a big hole for a fish”

and the neighbour says “well your cat swallowed him”

Merry Christmas and Happy Boxing Day!

Enjoy da bunch for end of 2008.

2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get all that,I don’t want to have to repeat it”.

3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).

5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier.

Adam said, “The morning Eve and I made love for the first time.”

God said, “Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?”

Adam replied, “She’s down at the river, washing herself out.”

“Damn,” says God, “now all the fish will smell funny.”

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
Henry Youngman

It’s better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
Laurence J. Peter

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Unknown

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
John Barrymore

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That’s basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
Mistinguette

Absence — that common cure of love.
Miguel De Cervantes

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. “If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.”