A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed… driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Give me a break! You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”

Source from here.

* You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
* Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
* Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
* Talk is cheap, but that’s ok, so are you.
* If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder…it would be an apocalypse!
* This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
* I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
* When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
* A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
* Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice.
* Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
* Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
* Don’t let your mind wander, it’s far too small to be let out on its own.
* Don’t thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
* Don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
* He always finds himself lost in thought; it’s unfamiliar territory.
* I bet you get bullied a lot.
* I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
* I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
* I don’t mind you talking so much, as long as you don’t mind me not listening.
* I don’t think you are a fool, but what’s my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
* I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
* I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.
* I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
* I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
* I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand me.
* I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up your ass.
* If you were twice as smart as you are now, you’d be absolutely stupid.
* I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
* I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
* I’ve come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
* Pardon me, but you’re obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
* People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
* She’s the first in her family born without tail.
* That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
* There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
* What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
* Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
* What’s wrong, don’t you get any attention back home?
* You are not even beneath my contempt.
* You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
* You grow on people, but so does cancer.
* You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
* You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
* You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you’re doing your best.
* Your mind isn’t so much twisted as badly sprained.
* You’re a habit I’d like to kick – with both feet.

Source from here.

A golfer called one of the caddies and asked, “I need a caddy who can count and keep the score.What’s 3 and 4 and 5 come to?”
“10″ said the caddy.
“Great, you’ll do perfectly!”

—

A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball he has in his hand.
One of his golfing mates remarks: “What’d you do, get some new golf balls?”
“Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can’t lose it. You hit it into the rough, it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell inside goes off. If you drive it into a lake, a big burst of steam shoots up six feet in the air for two minutes.”
“That’s great. Where did you get it?”
He replied, “I found it.”

—

A man, about to tee off felt a tap on his shoulder and a bloke handed him a card that read “I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?”

The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that “No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right.”

The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.

—

A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said I’m sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said “I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer. The husband replied” Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.

—

Nick, an avid golfer uses a “Medium” to ask if Heaven has a Golf Course.
The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.
Several days later, Nick gets a call from the Medium.
“Well, what did you find out?” asks Nick.
“I’ve got good news and bad news for you,” said the Medium.
“OK,” “what’s the good news” Nick said excitedly.
“Well, there’s is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you’ll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy,” blurted out the Medium!
“And the bad news?” asked Nick
“You’re due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10 in the morning!”

—

A married couple are at their breakfast table. The wife says to her husband: “Honey, if I die before you will you remarry?”
“Well,” says the husband, “we have had a good marriage, so, yes, I’d probably remarry.”
A few minutes later she asks: “Honey, if I die before you, and you remarry, would you bring her to live in our house?”
He thinks about this then says, “Well, we worked hard to pay off the mortgage and it would be silly to move someplace else so, yes, I think I would bring her to live here.”
Another few minutes go by, then she says, “Honey, if I die before you and you remarry and you bring her to live here in our house, would you let her use my golf clubs?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he blurts out, “she’s a lefty!”

—

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please … while others are preparing to go.
10. Don’t take extra strokes.

Now, that’s very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

—

Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, “What’s your handicap?” “Oh, I’m a scratch golfer,” the other replied. “Really!” exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her. “Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!”

—

Two ants were in a sand trap watching a duffer flailing away. “Quick,” said the one ant to the other. “Get on the ball before he kills us.”

—

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Jim was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker – “Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men’s tee, please!”
Jim was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement – “Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up the men’s tee!”
Jim had had enough. He shouted, “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!”

—

A golfer ran into a friend he not seen for years at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all sorts of things. Eventually, one of them said, “How’s the family?” The other replied, “Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other day!” “Hey, good trade!” replied the friend!

—

Rab addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped!
Rab and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious, with the ball between his feet.
“Good heavens” said Rab, “what shall I do?”
“Don’t move him” said his playing partner, “if we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or drop it
two club lengths away.”

—

A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off. The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole.
Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole.
The old man tees off with a short worm burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon after a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just then an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish with the golf ball and flies off. The eagle loses its grip and drops the fish on the green. The fish then spits out the ball and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one.
Jesus turns to the old man and replies, “Play fair dad!”

Source from here.

Writers, jokers! You are welcome to share your funny stories, funny photos, funny pictures on www.FunnySbear.com.
Sharing is caring and we hope everyone can share their happiness and make this a cherish world!

Submit your Jokes to FunnySbear : sbear@FunnySbear.com

Cheers!

Funny small accident

More jokes on sarcastic..

“Paddy where the hell are you going with our front door”?

Paddy replies ” It’s ok honey, I lost my key so i’m going down town to get one cut”!

Wife shouts “How am i suppose to get in the house then”?

Paddy say’s “No worries i’ve left the window open for Ya.

More Jokes at Funny Sbear.

18sx funny Tshirt

back to www.FunnySbear.com.

Funny sbear - Sarcastic comic

More Sarcastic funny stuff here.

Source from here.

More Sarcastic funny stuff here.

Source from here.

Dear Mr. Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during our commission of duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to your employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” as it is explained to you for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You wander around the building all day, shiftlessly seeking fault in others. You have a sharp dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation; however, I have a few parting thoughts:

1.

When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation as I have consistently performed my duties and even more. The most you can say to hurt me is, “I prefer not to comment.” To keep you honest, I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2.

I have all the passwords to every account on the system and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I will publish your “Favorites,” which I conveniently saved when you made me “back up” your useless files. I do believe that terms like “Lolita” are not viewed favorably by the university administrations.
3.

When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your mother’s b-day,” you neglected to mention that you were going to take nude pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then, like the techno-moron you are, you forgot to erase them. Suffice it to say, I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle. I assure you that those photos are being kept in safe places pending your authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (And, for once, would you please try to use spellcheck? I hate correcting your mistakes.)

I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your twisted little repugnant obsessions will become public knowledge. Never f*ck with your systems administrator, Mr. Baker! They know what you do with all that free time!

Sincerely

David Blocker

Network Administrator

Click here for more Funny Resignation Letter.

Original source from here.