The Perfect Shot
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed… driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, “What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Give me a break! You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”
Source from here.
Golf Jokes Collection
A golfer called one of the caddies and asked, “I need a caddy who can count and keep the score.What’s 3 and 4 and 5 come to?”
“10″ said the caddy.
“Great, you’ll do perfectly!”
—
A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball he has in his hand.
One of his golfing mates remarks: “What’d you do, get some new golf balls?”
“Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can’t lose it. You hit it into the rough, it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell inside goes off. If you drive it into a lake, a big burst of steam shoots up six feet in the air for two minutes.”
“That’s great. Where did you get it?”
He replied, “I found it.”
—
A man, about to tee off felt a tap on his shoulder and a bloke handed him a card that read “I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?”
The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that “No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right.”
The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.
—
A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said I’m sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said “I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer. The husband replied” Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.
—
Nick, an avid golfer uses a “Medium” to ask if Heaven has a Golf Course.
The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.
Several days later, Nick gets a call from the Medium.
“Well, what did you find out?” asks Nick.
“I’ve got good news and bad news for you,” said the Medium.
“OK,” “what’s the good news” Nick said excitedly.
“Well, there’s is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you’ll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy,” blurted out the Medium!
“And the bad news?” asked Nick
“You’re due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10 in the morning!”
—
A married couple are at their breakfast table. The wife says to her husband: “Honey, if I die before you will you remarry?”
“Well,” says the husband, “we have had a good marriage, so, yes, I’d probably remarry.”
A few minutes later she asks: “Honey, if I die before you, and you remarry, would you bring her to live in our house?”
He thinks about this then says, “Well, we worked hard to pay off the mortgage and it would be silly to move someplace else so, yes, I think I would bring her to live here.”
Another few minutes go by, then she says, “Honey, if I die before you and you remarry and you bring her to live here in our house, would you let her use my golf clubs?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he blurts out, “she’s a lefty!”
—
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please … while others are preparing to go.
10. Don’t take extra strokes.
Now, that’s very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
—
Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, “What’s your handicap?” “Oh, I’m a scratch golfer,” the other replied. “Really!” exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her. “Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!”
—
Two ants were in a sand trap watching a duffer flailing away. “Quick,” said the one ant to the other. “Get on the ball before he kills us.”
—
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Jim was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker – “Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men’s tee, please!”
Jim was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement – “Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up the men’s tee!”
Jim had had enough. He shouted, “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!”
—
A golfer ran into a friend he not seen for years at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all sorts of things. Eventually, one of them said, “How’s the family?” The other replied, “Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other day!” “Hey, good trade!” replied the friend!
—
Rab addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped!
Rab and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious, with the ball between his feet.
“Good heavens” said Rab, “what shall I do?”
“Don’t move him” said his playing partner, “if we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or drop it
two club lengths away.”
—
A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off. The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole.
Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole.
The old man tees off with a short worm burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon after a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just then an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish with the golf ball and flies off. The eagle loses its grip and drops the fish on the green. The fish then spits out the ball and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one.
Jesus turns to the old man and replies, “Play fair dad!”
Source from here.
Great Golf One-liners:
* Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture: Winston Churchill Golf one-liners
* You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works: Lee Trevino
* It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth
* Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course: Lee Trevino
* These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow: Sam Snead
* If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon
* If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino
* The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music: Anon
* I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose: Gerald Ford
* After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi Rodriguez
Source from here.
Three Cheating Golfer Jokes
Golf Swindler: (Guy’s Favourite Funny Golf Joke)
While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig remarked to a fellow club member’, I’m not going to play golf with Jim Lawler anymore. He cheats.’
‘Why do you say that?’ asked his friend.’Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket’
‘Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green’, replied Padraig indignantly.
‘That’s entirely possible’, commented his friend.
‘Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket’, retorted Padraig with finality.
Golf Partner Joke
Alex comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife, Amanda asks why he doesn’t include John Gumby in the games anymore. Alex asks, ‘Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears outrageously over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?’
‘Of course I wouldn’t,’ states Amanda.
‘Well,’ mutters Alex, ‘neither does John Gumby.’
The Language of Golf
Phil Beale, a member at Gudge Heath Golf Club, has a 60 foot breaking putt and makes a bet stating that he has a dollar that says, ‘I can make this putt.’
Everyone takes him up on the bet. Phil duly misses the putt by 5 feet and says, ‘You all owe me a dollar.’
Of course, his golf mates all think he is crazy until Phil produces a dollar upon which he wrote, ‘I can make this putt.’
- Source from here.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken!
John and Helen met while on vacation, and John fell head over heels in love with her. But after a couple of weeks in which John took Helen out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc. He was convinced that it was true love.
And so….on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue. “It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut,” John said to his new found lady friend. “I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s going to be a problem, you’d better say so now!”
Helen took a deep breath and responded: “Since we’re being honest with each other, here goes …. You need to know that I’m a hooker.”
“I see,” John replied. “That’s a problem, for sure.”
He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.”
more Funny Stories on sport
When you go fishing and you catch something, that’s good.
If you’re making love and you catch something, that’s bad.
Fish don’t compare you to other fishermen neither.
And don’t want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away.
In loving you lie about the one you caught.
You can catch and release a fish. You don’t have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
You don’t necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid.
If you want to catch a woman you’re talking dinner and a movie minimum.
Fish don’t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.”
The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?”
The player thought for a moment and then answered, “4?”
“Did you say 4?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.
Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming…, “Come on coach, give him another chance!”
Elephant practice his basketball skill
How the lion going to hunt a Giraffe
