Funny Sbear Jokes Sharing Campaign
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1. There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.
The Female pencil got pregnant !!
Which Male pencil is responsible?
THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.
2. Woman in bed with husband’s best friend,
phone rings! “YES”.. OK, BYE”.
She turns to her lover and says,
THAT’S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE’S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.
3. Three Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!
4. Three Guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi,…. I’m Peter, not a saint.
I’m Paul not a POPE.
I’m John not a Baptist…
The girl replied.. Hi.. I’m Mary, not a VIRGIN.
5. Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any time.
Mistresses are Tomyams..Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.
WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there’s nothing to eat.!!!
6. Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts
her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied: I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!
7. Yesterday’s News :- A nun jogging at Jogger’ Park
was raped by 4 guys.
Today’s News :- Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the park.
8. Why do Indians talk non stop?
Guess…. Still dunno? OK lah…..
Answer : Becoz they left their full stop on their
forehead.
10. It doesn’t take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to “Melrose Place” and got a “Error 404″ message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV–even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an “Under Construction” sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can’t find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don’t beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can’t surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
more Funny Pictures
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don’t know Maths.
Ted: You don’t know my father!
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum.
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that, but I’m going Hong Kong tomorrow so I’m scolding you now.
Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8. On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8. If she can’t make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: 1 year older then me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
Teacher: Simon, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Simon: No, teacher. It’s the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That’s why I say she’s no good!
Teacher: Where were you born?
Student: Singapore , Sir.
Teacher: Which part?
Student: All of me, Sir.
Teacher: How come you do not comb your hair?
Ah Kow: No comb, Sir.
Teacher: Use your dad’s then.
Ah Kow: No hair, Sir.
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
“What did you get?” asked his father.
“My marks are under water,” said the boy.
“What do you mean ‘under water’?” asked his father.
” They are all below ‘C’ (sea) level!” said the boy.
1. Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
2. My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
3. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
4. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
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Bob looked over the fence to see why his neighbour was digging and said to his neighbour
“why are u digging?”
and his neighbour said
”my fish is dead”
and bob said
‘its a big hole for a fish”
and the neighbour says “well your cat swallowed him”
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:
“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
“Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
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