Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
妻:你在作什麼啊?
Husband : Nothing.

夫:沒作什麼。
Wife : ‘Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’
妻:沒作什麼?你看著我們的結婚證書,足足有一小時了。
Husband : ‘I was looking for the expiry date.’
夫:我在尋找它的有效日期是到什麼時候。
—————————————————————————————–

Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’
妻: 要吃晚餐嗎?
Husband : ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
夫: 當然!我可以選擇嗎?
Wife : ‘Yes or no.’
妻:要或不要。
—————————————————————————————–

Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?’
妻:為什麼你經常把我的照片放在你皮夾裡?
Hubby: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.’
夫:當問題發生時,不管有多困難,我看著妳照片就迎刃而解了。
Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!’
妻:你看我對你有多麼驚人的影響力啊!
Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’
夫:是啊!望著妳的照片我問自己,還有什麼困難比這個來得大呢?
—————————————————————————————–

Stress Reliever Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
女孩:婚後我要分擔你所有的煩惱、困擾,以減輕你的負擔。
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
男孩:親愛的,妳真體貼,但我並沒有任何煩惱或困擾。
Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
女孩:哦?那是因為我們還沒結婚的緣故。
—————————————————————————————–

Son: ‘ Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
子:今早我和爹地一起搭車,他要我讓座給一位女士。
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
母:嗯,你這麼做是對的。
Son: ‘But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’
子:但是,媽,我當時是坐在爹地的腿上呢。
_____________________________________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’
一位新婚的先生問他太太:如果我父親沒留下巨額財產給我,你會嫁給我嗎?
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, N O MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’
女人溫柔的答道:親愛的,不管是誰留下財產給你,我都會嫁給你的。
—————————————————————————————–

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever .
女孩對著男友說:吻我一下,我就永遠屬於你了。
The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’
男孩回道:謝謝您提早警告我。
—————————————————————————————–

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
妻問夫:你最喜歡我哪一點?我美麗的臉龐,還是我性感的軀體?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor.’

他把她從頭到腳瀏覽了一遍,回道:我喜歡你的幽默感。


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Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0…
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as Bachelor Nights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, Beer with Buddies 7.5 and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0, but the ‘uninstall’ doesn’t work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks, “A Troubled User”

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support).
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and Do Laundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend dresses 2.1 and Jewelry 5
STATUTORY WARNING: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

good luck, Tech Support…


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10 – YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

9 – YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU’RE
ON THE ROAD.

8 – IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND’S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

7 – YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN’T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

6 – YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

5 – A HANDGUN DOESN’T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

4 – HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

3 – A HANDGUN DOESN’T ASK, “DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?”

2 – A HANDGUN DOESN’T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

1 – YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.


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Funny Picture Jokes

Merry Christmas and Happy Boxing Day!

Enjoy da bunch for end of 2008.


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Three girl friends have met up for their weekly meal together and are discussing their relationships.
One of them is engaged, one is a mistress and the other is married.

They decide that to try and surprise their men that night
all three will dress up in a leather S&M style bodice, red stilettos and a mask.

The next week they meet up again and compare their experiences.

The engaged girl says, ‘The other night, when my fiance came home, he found me in the leather bodice, the high red stilettos and mask covering my eyes. As soon as he
saw me he grabbed me saying “I love you” and carried me upstairs where we made love all night.’

The mistress says, ‘I went up to my lover’s hotel room where he was waiting for me and knocked on the door. I was wearing the leather bodice, the red stilettos, and the mask, with my fur coat on top. When I entered the room and dropped my coat to the floor, he said “Wow” and we made love all night.

The married girl say ‘Hmmph, I got myself dressed up the same as you two, leather bodice, red stilettos and mask over my eyes and waited for my husband to get home from work.”

“He opened the door, came in and said “Evening Batman, what’s for dinner?”

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Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

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Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

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If it’s true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

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