Great Golf One-liners:
* Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture: Winston Churchill Golf one-liners
* You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works: Lee Trevino
* It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth
* Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course: Lee Trevino
* These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow: Sam Snead
* If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon
* If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino
* The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music: Anon
* I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose: Gerald Ford
* After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi Rodriguez
Source from here.
Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
J. Paul Getty
A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
‘When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you’re 42-42-42. There’s more of you, but you are not worth as much.’
Lord Barnett
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
Errol Flynn
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonnette
I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
Henry Youngman
It’s better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
Laurence J. Peter
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Unknown
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
John Barrymore
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That’s basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
Mistinguette
Absence — that common cure of love.
Miguel De Cervantes
Why did God create men? Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.
Madonna
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henry Youngman
To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’.
Rita Rudner
This guy says, ‘I’m perfect for you, because I’m a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.’
I said, ‘Oh, a gay trucker?’
Judy Tenuta
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself — like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks.
Jean Kerr
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work or prison.
Tim Allen
I love men, even though they’re lying, cheating scumbags.
Gwyneth Paltrow
I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two…
Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon…smart too late.
Mike Tyson
You know you’re getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it’s more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt
Oscar Wilde
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Jay Leno
[putting arms around Nigella Lawson] My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that’s Ok!
Mel Brooks
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I’m one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
Friedrich Nietzsche
A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.
Bill Cosby
A word to the wise ain’t necessary — it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
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G.K. Chesterston:
(1874 – 1936) – British Author.
- Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
– (The Man Who Was Thursday, 1908)
- No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness – or as good as drink.
- Truth is sacred and if you tell the truth too often nobody will believe it.
- We make our friends; we make our enemies; but God makes our next-door neighbour.
- Half a truth is better than no politics.
- To be clever enough to get all the money, one must be stupid enough to want it.
- Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere.
- Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.
- You cannot grow a beard in a moment of passion.
- I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean.
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George Bernard Shaw:
(1856 – 1950) Irish novelist, playright and critic. Winner of Nobel prize for literature.
- We don’t stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing.
- Newspapers are unable, seemingly to discriminate between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilization.
- If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
- Dancing: The vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalized by music.
- If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they wouldn’t reach any conclusion.
- The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.
- Martyrdom is the only way a man can become famous without ability.
- Those who can do, those who can’t teach.
- A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
- Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
- He who can does — he who cannot, teaches.
- Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
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