2009 May | Get a Laugh at Funny Sbear

Wise Crack

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken!

————————–————————–————————–

John and Helen met while on vacation, and John fell head over heels in love with her. But after a couple of weeks in which John took Helen out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc. He was convinced that it was true love.

And so….on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue. “It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut,” John said to his new found lady friend. “I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s going to be a problem, you’d better say so now!”

Helen took a deep breath and responded: “Since we’re being honest with each other, here goes …. You need to know that I’m a hooker.”

“I see,” John replied. “That’s a problem, for sure.”

He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.”

IT Engineer with his wife

Husband – hello dear, I am logged in.

Wife – have you bought the things I asked you to buy.

Husband – Bad command or file name.

Wife – but I told you about it in morning

Husband – erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife – My God! Almost forget it, where’s your salary.

Husband – file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife – at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.

Husband – sharing violation, access denied.

Wife – I made a mistake in marrying you.

Husband – data type mismatch.

Wife – you are useless.

Husband – by default.

Wife – who was that with you in the car this morning?

Husband – system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife – what is the relation between you and your receptionist?

Husband – the only user with write permission.

Wife – what is my value in your life?

Husband – unknown virus detected.

Wife – do you love me or your computer?

Husband – Too many parameters..

Wife – I will go to my dad’s house.

Husband – program performed illegal operation, it will close.

Wife – I will leave you forever.

Husband – close all programs and log out for another user.

Wife – it is worthless talking to you.

Husband – shut down the computer.

Wife – I am going

Husband – It’s now safe to turn off your computer

Frequent Asked Question with Funny Answer

GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!

BOY: You love me…

GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring?

BOY: Sure, what’s your phone number?

GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.

BOY: Don’t you ever want to improve?

BOY: May I hold your hand?

GIRL: No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly.What do you think, Peter?

PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : “….And are you sure you love me and no one else?”

Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday”.

Teacher : “Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?”

Pupil : “The moon”.

Teacher : “Why?”

Pupil : “The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don’t need it”.

Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”

Pupil : “A teacher”.

MAN: You remind me of the sea.

WOMAN: Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?

MAN: NO, because you make me sick.

Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot!”

Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.

Teacher : “What do you mean?”

Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.”

Teacher : “What about your mother?”

Sam : “She’s a woman”..

Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”

David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance repeated”.

Teacher : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?”

Student : “Brotherly love”.

Teacher : “Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”

Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.

Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”

Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.

Waiter : “Would you like your coffee black?”

Customer : “What other colours do you have ?”
Teacher : ” George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.

Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him ?”

One Student: ” Because George still had the axe in is hand.”
Teacher : ” Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”

One Student : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time.”

逗你笑笑

======================誘導成功======================

阿強：「老婆，下周我要去紐約出差。」
阿玲：「我也要去。」
阿強：「不行啦！我的行程超滿的，會沒時間照顧你喔！何況三天後我就回來了。」
阿玲：「人家想要去嘛！」
阿強：「哎呦，不要為難我啦！你是要去做什麼呢？」
阿玲：「買衣服啊！」
阿強：「哇咧…買衣服的話，你可以去新光三越或SOGO呀！它們都超大的。」
阿玲：「就等你這句話嘛…」

======================真是欠扁======================

小桃：「你喝咖啡時都用左手還是用右手攪拌？」
小瑜：「我用右手！」
小桃：「哇！厲害！我都用湯匙，你不怕燙喔？」
小瑜：「………」

==========================夢話==========================

太太：「你最近睡覺常說夢話，而且都是在抱怨我耶！」
先生：「你確定那只是夢話嗎…？」

=================無關葉子的? 暋! D=================

太太早上找衣服穿，她套了一件久未穿的裙子，照著鏡子說：
哎呀！好像包粽子一樣耶？！」
在一旁的先生說：「那是餡兒的問題，跟包的葉子無關。」

==========================辣粉==========================

一個蠻會吃辣的先生，叫了一碗紅燒牛肉麵。
等了一會兒，麵終於來了，他看到桌上的調味罐寫著「辣粉」二字，於是
愛吃辣的他拼命的將它往裡倒，一口吃下後，簡直辣到難以下嚥！

於是他就去找老闆理論。客家腔的老闆也理直氣壯的說：
「我們這個要由右往左念，所以叫粉辣！都已經跟你說粉辣了，你還一直加！」

==========================賣炭==========================
書店裡，一位老先生問櫃台：「小姐，你們有沒有賣炭？」
「對不起，沒有。」小姐回答。
「可是上次我在這裡買過。」老先生不死心。
「對不起，我們這裡是書店，沒有賣炭。您要不要去雜貨店看看？」
後來老先生終於在雜誌區找到他要的東西，原來他要買的是「TIME」！

========================是怎樣=========================

有位小姐，開車開到一半的時候，車子突然在路中央熄火，怎麼發也發不動。
站在一旁的交通警察看了她好久，

看著紅燈變綠燈、綠燈變紅燈… 那位小姐還是停在路中央，動也不動。
於是交警忍不住走過去問那個小姐：「是怎樣？沒有妳喜歡的顏色嗎？」

==========================筆和尺==========================

有個小妹妹去雜貨店買東西…
小妹妹：「頭家，我要買筆和尺(台語)」
結果…老闆拿了隻「皮卡丘」給她 *_*

==========================高興就好========================

某日於台灣北部某部隊，有一位天兵在放了3天假後在莒光作文簿寫著：

上禮拜六，我放假，回家，我好高興。回到家裡看到老婆，我好高興。
後來，又看到我的小孩，叫爸爸，我好高興。
可是，時間過得好快，3天「ㄙㄨ」一下就過去，要收假，我好難過。
回到部隊，天氣好冷，我好難過。
不過，想到放了3天假，我還是很高興。
因為，再過10天又可以放假了，我好高興。
他的班長批閱完畢，不知道要寫什麼評語才是，只好寫了：「高興就好。」

========================血案兇手===========================

某甲看完報紙，不解的問某乙：這兩隻象真的有可能是兇手嗎？
某乙聽了往報紙一看，報紙的標題是：劉邦友血案，逮到一對象。

=========================只差你了===========================

全國最富的人請了全國最好的建築師來給自己建造陵墓。
三年之後，大富翁問建築師：「全部工程結束了嗎??」
「差不多了。」
「那還差什麼呢？」———–建築師答：「就只差你了！」

more Funny Jokes

The Fastest Thing.

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified; an American, a Russian, an Australian and an Indian.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know?’

Dave, the American, replied, ‘A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head.
There’s no warning that it’s on the way; it’s just there. A thought
is the fastest thing I know of.’

‘That’s very good!’ replied the interviewer.

‘And now you sir?’ he asked Vladimir , the Russian. ‘Hmm….
let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A
BLINK is the fastest thing I know.’ ‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer.. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular clich for speed.’

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his
reply. Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.’

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light’ he said.

Turning to Patel, the Indian, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Patel replied, ‘Apter herring da preybyus ansers sir, et’s obyus to me dat the fastest thing is
Diarrhea!’

‘WHAT!?’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

‘You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the batrum, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had alreydi done it in my pants!

Get a Laugh at Funny Sbear

Funny Sbear in Action.

Wise Crack

IT Engineer with his wife

Frequent Asked Question with Funny Answer

逗你笑笑

The Fastest Thing.

By Month

Categories

Subscribe to Newsletter only

Ads